Throughout the process of my separation and divorce I have discovered that being hurt has the ability to turn an otherwise level headed, kind and loving person into an extremely irrational and VERY negative human being. And if there ever is a time when a lot of hurt is compiled into a neat little fireball that hits me in the face on a regular basis, it's been during this divorce.
Yes, I do see a therapist. And as any good therapist has the ability to do (which actually drives me crazy that I have to pay someone to do this for me), she has aided me in discovering that my hurt often manifests itself in anger (another emotion that I have yet to express in a productive manner).
Let it be noted that I do not see myself, nor do I believe that others see me as an angry person. But push an old button or pick at an old scab and this overwhelming urge to poke someone's eyes out with my thumbs or cut someone's testicles off with a rusty knife and proceed to shove them down their throat overtakes me so fast and so strong, I can barely breath and shake uncontrollably.
How do I let go of the hurt so that I can let go of the anger?
I have yet to accomplish this task completely, but I feel as though I am well on my way to establishing a new outlook and less violent course of action when faced with the hurtful behavior of others:
1. I need to truly accept the fact that there are certain things that are out of my control. I cannot prevent people from behaving like assholes, mother fuckers and stupid (or any combination thereof).
2. I need to recognize the things that I can control and take control. Like bull by the horns control and stop bitching and moaning about the things that I can control not being right.
3. I need to remember to forgive myself for mistakes that I have made in the past and expect that I will make mistakes in the future.
4. If all else fails, then resort to swearing and violence. It may not be the high road, but God damn it's a quick fix.
